emomimo

I can't sleep, and it's 7:15
and I feel gross and horrible
and my body and mind are fighting with me
every step of the way.

My hair is a wreck
and my skin feels bad right now
and I feel bloated and terrible,
probably from too much salty food.

My clothing isn't flattering at all.
It isn't that it doesn't fit, it's just not flattering.

I can't change any of this, right now
and it's frustrating as hell.
My phone isn't even in service.
I kind of want to hide under a rock
and hide out until all of these things wither away
as will I.

Maybe if I hide under the ground for long enough,
the impending craziness will pass over me, as well.
I don't know if I'm up for much, right now.
I don't know what happened.

Questions!

Recently, I handwrote the answers to some questions from a questionnaire!

I'll repost a few of them here. ♥

List 5 movies that you love!

Describe your favorite food! Who makes it?

Name three things you like about yourself!

Have you had any real Tumblr crushes? If you want to keep your mystery, answer with a drawing.

Draw a selfie!

Low.

I haven't felt this low in awhile.
The commission well seems to have dried up.

The local job market isn't biting.

It's just a few more months before I'll be back there again, a credit under where I'd have liked to have been because of insurmountable Summer tuitions, which hopefully won't hold me back any more than an extra course next year.
And, come September, then can resume their mission to diminish me further, and I'll resume their fucking eggshell dance.

There are options, but something is holding me back.
I don't know what.

I need a nap. Or a hug. Or something.
I don't know.

Speaking of naps, my sleep schedule continues to make me its bitch. It seems so unobtainable during the late and uncomfortable hours of a dark planet with no people, and yet during the day it's like I'm a husk of a human being. Where did my surplus of energy go? It flits in and out to spite me.

I don't know what to do anymore. Why is it always like this?

With at least one less worry of stale ice cream cones- no ice cream, just the cone- for my dinner, I still feel trapped.
I would kill for a haircut.
I would kill to not have to look at this faded brown hair, anymore.
I want to do more.
Not really,
I just want to vanish right now.

At least I'm not horrendously lonely?

Written Kitten!!

I don't update frequently, I'm sorry! 許してにゃん♥

I have never been so motivated to write 500 words so quickly in my life.

Seriously, wtf did I just write?

Gullpufflings!

Another odd dream!

I have some strange dreams.

Rocketman!

I just wanted to bring some attention to my little turtle! I think he's lovely. ♥

Even though I'm broke,

Right at this moment

Cannolis and coffee are

All I really want.

What's with me, lately?

I stress about my diet,

But then crave junk food...

I tend to binge with

No worry of consequence

After being good.

Why does it happen?

I really need to be more

Consistent with this.

Summer?

I'm getting some important things done lately, but I'm also trying to enjoy my break! It's a tough balance to achieve, but since I want to stay productive without robbing myself of my Summer vacation...

...This is how I wrote my resume.

Looks tough, I know.

So tough.

After I'd done my work and earned it, I went for a swim. ♥

I haven't gone swimming in a really long time...
Well, that's actually not true. I went swimming at a friend's when I was in Florida! But I wore a large top and some bathing suit bottoms that time, so it's not like I was wearing a bathing suit...

This time I had one in my drawer, so there was no excuse.

I'm not used to being that exposed. At all. Hell, I rarely wear sleeveless tops when I'm out and go with long sleeves if weather permits. I've gotten a lot better about it; There was a time that I would wear a jacket everyday in spite of the Florida heat during high school. Even more recently I've been teased about my arms by some guy who was supposed to be a friend (because people can be terrible - are my arms that bad? I should say not) and it makes me think that people must be thinking things to themselves about my appearance and only the worst of people will up and say it. This was completely different from my departure from long sleeves and jackets, this was a bathing suit. I know people do it everyday, but this was scary!

"I look fine! People do this everyday and I'm no different and just as pretty as any other girl!"

"No, I'm disgusting and nobody wants to see this and everyone's going to be staring at me."

"No, there's definitely nothing to be ashamed of! Hiding away like this is just letting them win and confirming that people should feel ugly like this!"

"Yes, but not going at all saves the shame of being an object of disgust."

I went back and forth in my head about this for awhile...

Eventually, I'd decided that I'd worked hard and deserved to go swimming and have fun!
I was pretty scared at first. There were lots of other girls in bikinis and while mine was a 2-piece that covered most of my torso, my back was still exposed, not to mention my arms. They were all perfectly comfortable lounging around like that. Why wasn't I? Were they in on some secret that I wasn't? Were they really that much better than I am?

As long as I had this defeatist attitude about me, they were. I was my own undoing here, I wanted to go swimming. If I didn't, I'd be cheating myself out of a fun day, right?

I wore my bathing suit. I went swimming. I had a nice time. And, most importantly...

Nothing bad happened.

The End. ♥

Brings flowers.

When looking for something else, I found some photos on my phone that I don't recall taking:

The sunrise. It's pretty!

Apparently I never bothered with any filters, either...

Chemtrails, over my house? Awesome.

This photo doesn't look accidental but I can't figure out why I'd take a picture of my wall...

At some point, though, in between whenever this was taken and when I actually woke up...

...Rain started.

I was thinking yesterday how I wished I could just look out my window and see rain pouring down... It's funny how different the world seems when it's raining. Why is that? It's really no different, other than some falling water, but suddenly, it's as if everything outdoors becomes an obstacle course. Even if you walk outside without a hood or umbrella as if it doesn't matter, it still affects you.

Lately on days like this, I've been feeling sad... If rainy Summer days are doing me in, then I'm really not looking forward to Winter.

However, today doesn't seem so terrible!
I'll do my best to keep today feeling positive.

In response to being asked what it is that I've been up to...

"Finished the big commission, so now I can get back to work. :D"
"...I just read that (over)."
"Oh, my life."

The semester is finally over.
I've had about a week to relax.
I even took the weekend in Florida to see my mother!

But still, somehow, I feel like I'm still going at full-speed. Why hasn't my brain settled into Summer? It isn't necessarily a bad thing, since productivity is important, but I'm a little overwhelmed!

I do it to myself, of course.

Regardless, it's been so much fun in a crazed sort of way.

Somehow, the food in Sarasota is always so good. ♥ 

Food here is pretty hit-or-miss, but it's rare to come across flat-out BAD food in SRQ and great food is a pretty common thing! I do miss that...

Look how cute this is! Even the logo is adorable, isn't it?

Met with an old friend! ♥ We caught From Up On Poppy Hill. I never thought a Miyazaki film could leave a weird taste in my mouth, but what do you know...

You're moving so so so far away! I'm so happy for you, but I'm going to miss hanging out during visits a lot!

Really truly, good luck in London. 

Oh! Mother's Day was on Sunday, here!

I spent it with my mother, which was a really nice surprise! The trip to Florida was really impromptu, so I'm so happy it was able to take place. My mother's doing better than she's seemed in ages! It's really great to see.

Mother's Day lunch...

...led to dessert.

I really haven't been doing well on my diet and want to get back to it... So mom, why are you pushing sweets on me? Hahahaha.

Oh, also!

Chocolate cake! ♥

When I arrived at her house, it was just waiting there.

It was sooo good. Of all of the times she's made this cake, this was definitely one of the best...

Thank you so much. ♥

On Sunday, we spent the morning looking at old photo albums.

It was super nostalgic, and led to reconnecting with some old friends!
I can't think of a better way to have spent the day.

Everything that was once so neatly organised in this place has become so fragmented.

You know, I'm pretty OK with this. I've left it behind too, right?

Even though I normally hop at the opportunity to get out of this town for any amount of time, and even though I had the option of extending my stay in Florida, I think it was fulfilling enough a weekend that I'm satisfied with leaving after only three full days.

Why is this? I'm not entirely sure enough that I can put my finger on it, but...

I want to restructure things more positively.

I still want to bulldoze my path, and that's good! It's a constant since I've arrived and I'm actually pretty relieved that I haven't lost that in me.

I think I've finally managed to shed the tics from my skin and I want to keep going onwards.
If I have to be here to do that, that's OK.

I don't need to keep looking back through the car seat windows.

At least it's always a nice place to visit, huh? Of all places I could have to go back to, this one is really rather nice. In a weird way, I adore it.

Still, in spite of this fun weekend, I've still been working, still have more to do, still have more that I WANT to do.

More importantly, I have things that I need to do.

In anticipating and keeping up with these things, I really can't seem to fool myself into thinking that I've caught a break.

Excuse me, but I just have to explode.

I'l be brand new,
brand new, tomorrow.
A little bit tired, but brand new.

This is the most delightful thing I've heard all week:

"People have opinions like they have buttholes, and at one time or another, they stink."

Oddly, I find this reassuring.
Thanks, to the person who imparted it unto me.

Oh, and also:

I really like marker boards...

Seriously! If I sit down and try to get something done, it isn't long before my neck crriiicckkk-cracks behind me and sees the board, and...

"Ooh, markers. ♥"

It's a very good thing that tonight, all of the coloured markers (other than black) are in the presentation room which is off-limits, so I'm not tempted!

...Not as much.

Some drawings of creatures were already here, so I added to them! ♥

That's what is done, you know? It's completely commonplace!

This is commonplace, see?

Actually, I popped in a day or two later to find Kirby's Dreamland being held by a hairy monster! (And, actually, the above was added by me to join in on the fun. Oops.)
So, in kind...

How can I be simultaneously this awesome and this lame?
It's a shame I didn't get 'before' pictures.
Sorry for that.

The tiny text?
To the person I'm certain drew these (judging by style and nickname):

"Looking at this I realise that this is horrifying. Let's never collaborate on anything ever again."

Honestly though, if we did, it would probably be fun.
I wonder how many design collaborations I'll find myself in?
It isn't something I think about terribly much.

In other news, for tonight, I've forgotten what sleep is.

Oops.

Lately!

I am so stressed out...

It's OK. Finals are about over and I have a project I want to knock out before the weekend! Hopefully once this finals shitstorm is over, I can spend some time doing some important things! Also, good things. I need that.

Your shadow follows me.

It won't leave me at peace.

In more positive news, my Tuesday class is over! Is it me, or is the day brighter? It's like a fog has lifted from  the frames of my glasses. I had projects I could have gotten an early start on, but for a day like this, sleeping late in celebration was too good to pass up. ♥

When I made this new blog, I'd decided to make it more of a diary than senseless monologue, so here goes my best attempt at this:

The weekend's fair. Did I have time for it? No. Did I make time? Yes. Snackfood and puppies and good times! Also...

...It was only after I'd ordered it that I realised how it matched my dress.

A day in the east neighbourhood in the city!!
When I say 'the city', old habits make me think of New York... This couldn't be further from the case.

Doesn't this look peaceful?
In the case of the larger one, I was told, "Look out, he can get mean!", but he was a dear about posing for me. When I got too close, he just waddled off into the water. I thought he was lovely.
As for the other, look! ♥ Babies. They were following their momma. Isn't that sweet?
Once when I was a child, I played with baby ducklings. I was completely horrified of them, though, and I remember scrambling away from them so quickly, to my classmates' amusement. Looking at them now, it's hard to imagine ever feeling that way about them. They're so cute!

Anyway, this is definitely the greatest Tuesday I've had in quite some time.
I can get to work later, and I will, but for now I'm just enjoying the nice weather.

Why can't it stay like this?

It won't give up, it wants me dead.

My attention span is a wreck!!

I seriously.

Cannot.

Focus.

On anything, today.

Halp.

Trying to work at home yielded no results, because home is comfy and when I deviate from my sacred mission to clean everything in sight (which is distracting on its own), I'm too comfy to buckle down and get serious. I went to school, and oh! Look! Dry erase board!

...And then, this happened.

Also, this.

Bubbles might be my spirit Puff.

Someone help me.

Speaking of the board,

...It is frequently abused.

Alas, I've gone off-topic.

As I was saying, I thought to myself, "Oh! Maybe if I got lunch, I'll be able to get back on task!", but then twenty dollars, lunch and some groceries later, I wound up back at home, again. Changed clothing. Tried to work. Couldn't. Thought it best to go back to school. Did so.

Now I'm listening to the Spice Girls

and getting distracted

by blogging, whilst complaining about being distracted.

I have important stuff to do! But, I can't seem to keep my mind in one place...
I don't even want to disclose how many tabs I have open, right now.

Reboot! Dandelions, again.

This blog exists to be less of a place for monologuing, and more of an everyday journal!

Today, I had an important task to complete!

Dandelions. ♥

One of you will be the one that works, right?

This morning, after twiddling my thumbs for awhile, I decided to take matters into my own hands!! And though, while I doubt scattering dandelion seeds is very productive in the greater picture, I want to put it OUT there. If anything, I've helped a new generation of dandelions be born next year! I feel like a flower momma. Oh, my cute dandelion babies... ♥

Dandelion wishes are amazing, aren't they? I think I've found, based on past experiences, that for better or worse, they're worth something... 

Yellow lights, 11:11, stars... I might be too much of a romanticist, but these are really exciting parts of a day. For this reason, I love the fluffy dandelions of Spring. The best.

I also made good on a promise, today. I'm so relieved! I offer to do things for friends, and I never want them to worry that I might not follow through because as much as it hurts, it also sucks to damage my integrity... Now, no one has to worry.

Also, with an acquaintance, I had a somewhat lengthy discussion about the future... I'm always winding on about these things with likeminded people, but this particular chat has really given me food for thought.

Isn't it stereotypical, to be a young 20-something who looks anxiously towards the future? It's kind of comforting, to fit that mould... I don't want to waste time with the things that fill my thoughts.